First Love and Wanderlust

She was a cheerful girl. Looking back I don’t know if there was anything special about her. I think the important thing was the way she made me feel, she gave me a part of that happiness which I sorely needed. Who better to be with than someone that can make you happy? It doesn’t matter if the person is rich or poor, good looking, talented, respected, or anything else. If that person can’t make you happy, all those other things amount to nothing. Therefore the most important part of picking people is whether they can make you happy. It’s the feeling of happiness which only another person can give.

I’ve been chasing that feeling the rest of my life. It’s a powerful emotional high, the feeling that everything is just perfect. When you lose it, it’s like losing a part of yourself. Incomplete. And in this void the Wanderlust takes over.

Yearning for the truth we often forget

Life and death is just a passage

Through life we experience the things we lack

Trapped in a shell to search for a feeling

The joy of being free, all the while the irony

Trapped in a prison we can’t even see

Whether by time or space or mortal being

Everyone ends up truly free.

Ennui

Do you know what ennui is? It is easy to check the dictionary but that doesn’t mean you know what ennui is. You can’t know what ennui is until you’ve experienced it.

Ennui, is looking at the objects on your desk and not knowing what they are or why they’re doing there.

Ennui is the point beyond hopelessness, the emptiness beyond pain, a complete and utter weariness of the world.

Ennui is what happens after you’ve given up.

Does life or death matter? Does time exist? Does time matter?

Ennui is a question: Why am I here? What is my purpose? What should I do?

Ennui is a question without an answer.

The end!

I really should update this blog more regularly

Title says it all. But sometimes it feels like I’m only posting for myself, so what’s the point of making regular posts when my memory banks are still functional? Yes it just might be the curse of having a good memory, you don’t feel the need to write anything down cause you’ll forget it. Or maybe it’s just cause I don’t care.

You know it takes a certain set of mind to not care. Most people get attached to something, even if it’s something small and inanimate. One thing a lot of people get attached to is money. I think to properly dissociate yourself from worldly cares it is necessary to let go of all these material attachments. It’s like living a life that is a game, and in that game you are trying to get as many points as possible. Well, once in a while it is nice to step back and say, “Life is just a game, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose”. And you know what? It doesn’t. What matters most is who you are. The only thing you can take with you is yourself. Don’t lose yourself, that’s more important than anything else in the world. So what if you can’t afford that fancy widget or party like a rockstar? You need to ask yourself, “Is that who I am?” If you can’t even answer that question then you haven’t even begun living your life. It is not your life until you take ahold of it and find out who you are. What are your values, what is most important to you?

For me, I value justice more than anything. It is about doing the right thing in the right situation. My motto: never regret anything. It is a tough motto to abide by, but I find it helps me face a lot of my problems and deal with it. Sometimes it is easier to deal with the external problems than the internal ones, but the internal problems are the ones that eat you up. Never regretting anything, that means to me that I help someone who is in need, to not be afraid of anyone or anything, to act instead of idle, and to live by a set of principles or a code.

A tough decision I had to make was when some kids came soliciting at my door for the Mercury News. What made it personal was that they are supposedly trying to raise money to pay tuition at San Jose State. Basically they ask you to buy a subscription to the Mercury News to help their college funds, and I can choose to either receive the subscription or donate it. Now normally I would not be adverse to helping someone in need, but these kids made some seriously bad judgment calls and I just could not take it.

First of all, they come during dinnertime and interrupt my meal. Okay, you knocked on my door and got my attention, what do you want? Next they introduce themselves and what they are doing, and ask me if I was interested in a subscription. Uh, no thanks, next? Then they say, “Please, this subscription is going to help me go to college and you don’t even have to receive it you can give it to someone else”. Number one rule of selling something: do not be self centered. If you want someone to buy something from you, you need to let them know how it benefits THEM. Not YOU. So I’m standing at the door, my food is getting cold, and this kid is begging me to give them money and help them get into college, and they think they’re doing ME a favor! Well, at this point his 5 minutes are up and I try to put it to him delicately. Unfortunately for these hard sell newbies, they just don’t know when to quit. Get this, the kid pulls out his secret weapon and asks,” Well, don’t you want to help me out?”

So here I am in my underwear, giving the kid a chance to sell me on how this subscription is a win win situation for the both of us, he comes at me with a guilt trip phrase designed to bully housewives into dumping some money into them just so they’d go away. In my mind, it is just epic fail, and it would be disastrous to reward this kind of behavior. I kindly told him to fuck off and get off my porch.

What made it tough was that the kid is fucking up and he doesn’t even know it. He probably thinks I’m just some douchebag who wouldn’t buy his newspaper, but he will never understand that the problem wasn’t with me, it was with him. Maybe one day he will realize what he is doing wrong, and he will curse me for not buying his newspaper but in the process learn from his mistakes. Either way, I got to play off being the bad guy.

But you know what? That is fine. I know that in this world someone has to do the work no one wants to do, or make the decisions no one wants to make. I can be that person, because I trust myself not to fuck it up. It is because I have a code: never regret anything. I got my integrity, I won’t betray my conscience or my principles. So even if things turn out badly, I know I did everything I could, and will do everything I can, to make things right.

Things are looking up

The economy is getting back on track, the housing market looks like it is beginning to make a recovery. So I’m thinking, if you’ve got disposable income then invest it! I recently bought shares of Citi, even though I don’t like stocks much this company seemed like it had too much value. Just 2 years ago the stock was trading at $50  a share and now it is priced at less than 10% of that. So why buy?

1. Excellent track record, this is one of the biggest companies in the world and it is trading at one of it’s lowest prices in history.

2. A lot of value, the potential for this stock making a lot of money is big. At $4.25 a share (which is what I paid) there isn’t much room for it to drop. In case things go south, I can easily dump it for at most a 20% loss ($3.4 a share). However, if it grows steadily thanks to recovering economy, say to $15 in 5 years then I’m looking at a 30% annualized return. If it reaches pre crash levels to $50 a share that’s a 1000% return.

3. What else are you going to put your money in? Interest is low so you’re not getting much out of bonds and CD’s.Unless you have enough money for buy real estate this is a much more affordable investment.

This stock is on a lot of hotlists. I expect it to grow steadily overall for the next few years but no one can predict the future. All I can do it follow Warren Buffett’s advice: put all my eggs in one basket and watch that basket closely. In fact, since I picked it up for $4.25 the stock hasn’t dropped that low again. The overall trend is positive growth. The government bailout is looking to sell their significant shares over the course of the next year or so. Looks like it is out of hot water and there is money to be made. So pick a good spot to get in and stay for the long term.

Making Choices

We human beings strive to learn new things from our experiences.  Many times the hardest lessons come from mistakes. I myself have learned a great number of things from my mistakes, for example:

1) Don’t fall in love too fast. Love needs to be a mutual relationship, someone I once met on my travels said,” When you love someone but they don’t feel the same way about you, it is a really painful thing for everyone.” I admit that I’ve made this mistake a few times but it becomes easier to control the more you distance yourself from, well yourself. As long as you stop being motivated by personal well being you stop being blinded by personal desires and allow yourself to see the whole picture. In the past marriages were often arranged by elders or parents, while I don’t agree with a total disregard of feelings and emotions (parents can make mistakes too), I understand the reasoning behind this practice. When people are in love it is difficult to think and plan logically. On the opposite end of the spectrum the system of arranged marriages is also often easily abused.

2) Don’t draw to an inside straight. Just stupid, bro.

3) Everyone always tells the truth, even when they don’t. To understand this, you need to think about communication as transcending vocabulary and words, to gestures, feelings, emotions, behavior. Everyone always tells the truth, even when they lie.

4) Love is not a game, don’t fool around. Being flirtatious is one thing, but going too far and regretting your actions is another. Regret can cut deep. Although I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone, I still have to accept the consequences of my actions.

Our mistakes and experiences make up the person we are today. The last thing I’ve learned is that our mistakes should not become a burden, but it is easier said than done. There are many regrets that I still harbor in my heart, unable to let go.

As for the choices before me, I must say I’m a complete and utter mess. I’ve lost all sense of navigation and direction, and am pretty much wandering through life without purpose. This confusion has paralyzed me. It is causing me to question the reason for existence, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish between fiction and reality. Summarily to say, I no longer believe in myself.

A person is not defined by just the past and the present, but also the future. At this point I have several paths before me but I do not know who I am and what I should be.

Should I pursue the path laid out by my past, by my education? To be a financial manager or technician, a banker, or a real estate appraiser, with the end goal of being a sophisticated investor? In the past I believed that this was what I wanted. The more I learned about money the more I realized it could not truly give me what I want. My needs and desires are actually the most basic and primal instincts of all intellectual people. What I really want is power.

But at the same time I wonder if I should let go of this hungering desire for power, before it brings harm to the people around me, people close to me, and even to myself? When a person dies, how much money does he need? How much land does he occupy? There are many different kinds of power, but all of them rely and affect other people except for one: power over yourself.  Self control is personal power, and arguably the only power that will stay with you until the day you die. Power over others is an illusion, the only power that matters is power over yourself.

Should I pursue the martial arts and personal enlightenment? There are so many things I would still like to do, and there are certain restrictions imposed on us in this society we live. I need to be able to make a living. If I choose this path I know that in the end it will be worth it, but I also know that people would not understand it. Also, I cannot be a freeloader and rely on others to take care of my personal needs, I have a responsibility to take care of them myself. In this society it means bills, taxes, insurance, and much more.

Should I pursue a lifelong dream of helping others by becoming a criminal investigator? I’m not sure the FBI would take me because of my lack of experience in addition to some sensory disabilities, but at least I should be able to work municipal. To me, this is also a path that would be worth it in the end, but if I choose this path then it’s going to be a completely new start for me. I have no related experiences or education and no advantages.

The choices I have are not clear cut one or the other, which one is right or wrong cannot be determined. Neither are they mutually exclusive. At this point I am 24 years old, and I have a knot in my life that I have not worked out.

The people around me don’t seem to understand my situation, only hoping to push me one way or the other so that I start doing something. But this decision to me is a very important one, it is a decision that will decide who I am and what I will be for the rest of my life. I don’t wish to rush such an important decision, so what can I do except deliberate? Time is running.

Take your money out of stocks

If you haven’t already, take your money out of stocks. Have any idea how bad it is right now? Well, 3 months ago I started tracking some financial sector stocks on a website, with a portfolio of $1,000,000 I put $875,000 into various financial stocks (C, BAC, WM, STI) and the rest into some miscellaneous companies that looked okay (SRI, AKAM). Right now the portfolio is worth about $550,000 and 125,000 of that is cash. So the 3 month return is almost -100%. Of course if you don’t invest in the financial sector you shouldn’t lose that much but most stocks are going down right now anyways. I figure the way should be to short the market and keep shorting, and I’m going to try that next to see what happens.

At any rate, take your money out of stocks. First of all, the stock market has never been a good place for the average person to put their money in anyways. Second, the market is really bad right now so you’re guaranteed above average losses. Third, if you absolutely have to put your money in stocks do your research. And make sure you can afford to lose.

What should you do with money right now? Well, I guess the best thing is to hold it. Just weather the storm and be ready, or maybe take a vacation somewhere (think of it as a spiritual investment).

Overcoming Fear

Sometimes the bad things in the world can overshadow the good things. But bad experiences should be just that, an experience and not a burden. The worst part of seeing suffering is when you encounter someone without the strength to help themselves. Perhaps it is a handicap or a cripple, someone mentally retarded, a drug addict (alcohol is a drug), an old person, etc.

It should be everyone’s personal philosophy to help those that cannot help themselves, but some problems are internal, there’s no way to cheat or get someone else to overcome it for you. Fear is one of these things. Fear is an irrational behavior, and possible one of the greatest curses on the human race. But it is also an obstacle to make us stronger. If we never feared anything, there would never be any challenges. This is from my martial arts philosophy, a “heart mantra” for the practice and improvement of martial arts.

No Fear, No Anger, No Arrogance, No Violence.

For most people, fear and anger are the two hardest things to overcome. The first step to overcoming fear is to face it. If you survive, the going tends to be easier. For example, once I was intensely afraid of.. let’s just say getting in trouble with the authorities. But over time, as I kept getting suspended from school, I realized that it didn’t matter as much as people said. That you’re going to get “blackmarked” for the rest of your life? I learned to decipher right from wrong, and that is more important than being a “good” student or a “good” boy. A person should never sacrifice his principles and integrity for the sake of conformity. Over time, I learned how to avoid getting in trouble with the authorities, instead of fearing them.

Sadly, most people today are instilled with a fear of authority. People fear police for no reason whatsoever except that they might “arrest” you. Police are there to protect and serve you, their job is not to make your life harder. Why should we fear them? Moreover, even if you did something wrong, so what? People make mistakes. As long as you take responsibility for your actions and change, there’s no reason to shoulder that burden for the rest of your life.

If you want to overcome your fear, build up your will and discipline. Determination is the one thing that can overcome all obstacles. I look to the past for inspiration, but inspiration can be found everywhere.

P.S. Wall of Text Crits You for 1000000000000000000000000000000 hit points.

Earthquake Disaster Aid

My school is doing a fund raiser for Earthquake victims in China. Hopefully some of you guys can relate to this kind of disaster. In China many of the people are poor and buildings don’t have much of a safety code. The earthquake struck during the day when many people were at work or school. The survival rate for being in a building that collapsed is very low.
Here is the full letter:

Dear All,

As we know recently China’s biggest 7.8-magnitude earthquake left over tens of thousands dead, missing or buried under the rubble of crushed communities in Wenchuan, Sichuan, Chian. Now aid is urgently needed.

Our members like Shuh-Hai Wong, Jenny Chiang and others has sponsored donation to aid disaster-hit people in Sichuan China.

Since our USA Tai Chi Culture Association(TCCA) is a non-profit organization, all donations can be tax-deductible.

Please make check payable to: TCCA .
Your donation can either be presented in class or mailed to:

TCCA
P.O.
Box 361551,
Milpitas, CA 95035

With all our donations, TCCA will issue a check to the China Red Cross Association for aid to Wenchun Earthquake victims.

On behalf of all TCCA’s members, Shuh_Hai Wong, the Secretary-General of TCCA, Master Peng and Sophia will submit all our donations to Consulate General of the People’s Republic of China in San Francisco to transfer it to the China Red Cross Association.

Sophia
USA Tai Chi Culture Association (TCCA)

Instructions for donations:
1. Write a check for $XX amount, make a copy for yourself for tax deduction purposes
2. Either deliver the check to me somehow or mail to the address above.

We can provide some sort of written documentation and receipt for the donation if requested. Thank You Everyone.

Change of Plans

I originally was going to write about the Olympic Flag relay and the issue of protesters, but it’s been a while and I’ve sorta lost the momentum. In summary, protesters that want Independence for Tibet don’t even understand the issue at hand. Most of the protesters are hecklers and nuisances, and worse of all, hypocrites. Why hypocrites? Because if Tibet declares independence it would be the same as declaring war. Many people will die, but not the protesters. Which one will be on the first plane to Tibet to get shot at? No, most would stay in America (cause we love America) and live to protest another day. Not even the Dalai Lama wants to declare war on China, so how can these idiots represent a country they don’t even understand. And all these issues about human rights in China is relative to the United States. It’s easy in the United States because we got a good economic system and stable government. But the fact is in the history of the United States theres plenty of human rights abuse as well. It took almost 100 years to abolish slavery, 150 for Women’s suffrage, 200 for civil rights. China’s most recent government has a history of around 60 years in power.

Moreover, what do these people understand about Chinese history? The Chinese people have been abused by their own government for centuries. The conditions in the country right now are a far cry compared to the past, but of course it’s not good enough by American standards. Get real, we’re Americans, we get fat off McChickens and Whoppers. The amount of suffering the Chinese people have had in the past is something we can never even relate to. The best thing for them right now is a stable government, where they don’t have to die for other people’s causes. The thing is, foreigners care about themselves first and that is why they are so eager to protest if something affects them. A Chinese person is no different, they should think about the interests of the Chinese people first. Therefore some of the changes are luxuries they cannot yet afford.

Well looks like I still had something to say after all. However I have to announce a change of plans. Originally I never planned to get married, but some things have made me reconsider. Firstly, many successful people are married so that raises the notion that marriage might help or motivate success? It might be beneficial for me to get married if I want to accomplish something. What brought me to this thought was that I realized I could not think of any successful person from history who was not married. Of course, I wouldn’t just be getting married to help my career. It just means I need to find someone I admire and care about to marry.

I don’t think much about marriage anymore, the thing is I’ve seen happy marriages and there isn’t anything spectacular. However, I’ve seen bad marriages too and it scares the shit out of me.

Second, I had a vague plan to adopt a kid in the future and it seems that complete families with a married couple are needed to qualify. Of course I might be able to compensate by being filthy rich, but who can predict the future? There’s an equal chance that I’ll be dead broke too.

But who knows, maybe there’s no reason to get married anyways. Maybe it’s enough to have some kind of long term relationship. You don’t have to live together and share one bank account, and no one is going to get ripped from a divorce, no child custody issues, etc etc.

With that said, dating season is upon us and it’s time to chase tails. This time though, I think I got an idea of what I actually want in a relationship.

Hot Damn

I’m way behind on the whole blogging thing! So what have I been doing between now and then? Well, the Tai Chi Culture Association has changed locations from Omei Academy in Milpitas to Shaolin Kung Fu Chan in San Jose. We are accepting new students so if you are interested in Chinese culture, martial arts, or health feel free to drop by!

1344 Ridder Park Dr., San Jose, CA 95131

Mon: 8:00pm – 9:00 pm

Wed: 8:00pm – 9:00 pm

Sat: 7:00pm – 9:00pm

As a personal reference, I have been practicing Tai Chi for over a year. This martial art is something that, if you commit to it regularly, you can literally feel your own power growing. It is helping me put into perspective what is possible. The truth is, the possibilities are endless, just as it is in life. I hope that by the end of this year I would have some opportunities to compete in(and win) a few tournaments and put our name out there. As long as I diligently continue in practice and pursue advancement, there will be no limits.

A common misconception is that Tai Chi is a form of exercise for old people. The fact is, old people can do Tai Chi, but they cannot do running, or karate, or skateboarding, or any other activities that relies on external physical condition. Tai Chi literally means Ultimate (or Universal) fist. It is a culmination of many forms of martial arts as well as Chinese philosophy. Tai Chi is considered the top form of internal martial arts.

What is internal martial arts? Well, Chinese internal martial arts can be divided into three major forms. Tai Chi Chuan, Ba Gua Zhang (Eight Diagram Palm), and Xing Yi Chuan (Shape Intent Fist?). Internal martial arts is about cultivating the self and personal abilities rather than physical toughness and strength. Strength that comes from within versus strength that comes from without. Does this mean internal martial artists will never be as strong as external? No, it just means we don’t rely on strength alone (because physical strength has limits). The fact is, internal martial arts can hit harder and faster. Phenomenal feats from legend may be based on truth, but in fact they seem magical because no one understands it. It is the same with science, technology advanced enough may seem like magic to someone who’s never encountered it before. In internal martial arts, there is also a lot of science and logic. It is technology applied to human body movements, to force generation and force diffusion, even psychology can be used.

As for Tai Chi Chuan, the martial art is only a small portion of the grand philosophy. The Great Dao in fact envelops our entire reality, and to understand the world is to understand the Dao and vice versa. For example, it is difficult to use Judo to wage a war, but Tai Chi can be used in military strategy. After all Sun  Tzu wrote a book about it, it’s called the Art of War.

Anyhoo, next post I plan to write about the Olympic Flag Relay which we attended in San Francisco (the ceremony was actually canceled), the whole issue of protesters (Darfur, Tibet, Human Rights). Stay tuned!