We human beings strive to learn new things from our experiences. Many times the hardest lessons come from mistakes. I myself have learned a great number of things from my mistakes, for example:
1) Don’t fall in love too fast. Love needs to be a mutual relationship, someone I once met on my travels said,” When you love someone but they don’t feel the same way about you, it is a really painful thing for everyone.” I admit that I’ve made this mistake a few times but it becomes easier to control the more you distance yourself from, well yourself. As long as you stop being motivated by personal well being you stop being blinded by personal desires and allow yourself to see the whole picture. In the past marriages were often arranged by elders or parents, while I don’t agree with a total disregard of feelings and emotions (parents can make mistakes too), I understand the reasoning behind this practice. When people are in love it is difficult to think and plan logically. On the opposite end of the spectrum the system of arranged marriages is also often easily abused.
2) Don’t draw to an inside straight. Just stupid, bro.
3) Everyone always tells the truth, even when they don’t. To understand this, you need to think about communication as transcending vocabulary and words, to gestures, feelings, emotions, behavior. Everyone always tells the truth, even when they lie.
4) Love is not a game, don’t fool around. Being flirtatious is one thing, but going too far and regretting your actions is another. Regret can cut deep. Although I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone, I still have to accept the consequences of my actions.
Our mistakes and experiences make up the person we are today. The last thing I’ve learned is that our mistakes should not become a burden, but it is easier said than done. There are many regrets that I still harbor in my heart, unable to let go.
As for the choices before me, I must say I’m a complete and utter mess. I’ve lost all sense of navigation and direction, and am pretty much wandering through life without purpose. This confusion has paralyzed me. It is causing me to question the reason for existence, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish between fiction and reality. Summarily to say, I no longer believe in myself.
A person is not defined by just the past and the present, but also the future. At this point I have several paths before me but I do not know who I am and what I should be.
Should I pursue the path laid out by my past, by my education? To be a financial manager or technician, a banker, or a real estate appraiser, with the end goal of being a sophisticated investor? In the past I believed that this was what I wanted. The more I learned about money the more I realized it could not truly give me what I want. My needs and desires are actually the most basic and primal instincts of all intellectual people. What I really want is power.
But at the same time I wonder if I should let go of this hungering desire for power, before it brings harm to the people around me, people close to me, and even to myself? When a person dies, how much money does he need? How much land does he occupy? There are many different kinds of power, but all of them rely and affect other people except for one: power over yourself. Self control is personal power, and arguably the only power that will stay with you until the day you die. Power over others is an illusion, the only power that matters is power over yourself.
Should I pursue the martial arts and personal enlightenment? There are so many things I would still like to do, and there are certain restrictions imposed on us in this society we live. I need to be able to make a living. If I choose this path I know that in the end it will be worth it, but I also know that people would not understand it. Also, I cannot be a freeloader and rely on others to take care of my personal needs, I have a responsibility to take care of them myself. In this society it means bills, taxes, insurance, and much more.
Should I pursue a lifelong dream of helping others by becoming a criminal investigator? I’m not sure the FBI would take me because of my lack of experience in addition to some sensory disabilities, but at least I should be able to work municipal. To me, this is also a path that would be worth it in the end, but if I choose this path then it’s going to be a completely new start for me. I have no related experiences or education and no advantages.
The choices I have are not clear cut one or the other, which one is right or wrong cannot be determined. Neither are they mutually exclusive. At this point I am 24 years old, and I have a knot in my life that I have not worked out.
The people around me don’t seem to understand my situation, only hoping to push me one way or the other so that I start doing something. But this decision to me is a very important one, it is a decision that will decide who I am and what I will be for the rest of my life. I don’t wish to rush such an important decision, so what can I do except deliberate? Time is running.